Retro Recall 2: What You Should Expect in My Retro Arcade

Following a recent visit to my first retro arcade, I have been considering what I have experienced and, excitedly, what the retro game fan might be looking for from a modern arcade.

Expect broad strokes ahead and misguided references to business intuition. In between those though, I do have a few ideas.

It is an easy observation to make that the arcade has always been an experience, but I am inclined to say that it is true now more than ever with the average middle-aged retro fan taking a lot more of their lives along with them. Virtua Fighter 2 was state of the art when I first played it but when I recently returned to it, it fired old bits of my brain that reminded me that Virtua Fighter 2 had never really left me. Not in a technical sense – I was now rubbish at it – but the essence of joy it had given me remained. I had been walking it around for almost thirty years.

And as much as we are taking that with us, chances are about even, that we could be taking our families as well. I understand that much like the arcade I visited, a lot of these retro cattle pens operate as bars as well, so the children have to wait in the rain outside.

It’s a great idea, but let’s get real, kids want to play arcades. We need somewhere big enough to house all of them, everyone, for long enough to let you and whoever else take in a few goes at Prop Cycle, and the whole thing to be an experience. I can think of just the place(s).

Country comforts

Before food was grown in boxes and shipped to people’s doors we used to rely pretty heavily on what we called “farming.” It was a messy business but it kept people busy, and by people I mean folk. But then the internet happened and folk started staying home and watching cat videos instead, so The Farming was forced to diversify.

I think that is pretty much the history of farming and you can perhaps now see where this is headed. I have worked in and around farms and I can tell you that if pushed they can turn barns into anything for the high summer season. A ménage, a business hub, a wedding venue or just a massive dope plantation, there’s loads that you can do with an otherwise unused, semi-cladded cube of RSJ’s and corrugated roofing.

People love to visit places where they can feel like folk again. Come with me and let’s take a look around. Mind your shoes with the shit and keep an open mind. We can re-clad the front, put some hanging baskets up, fill in some of the holes along the driveway. Massive Pac-Man fascia for a front door. Use the side building for the microbrewery and call it something like The Hop and Hadoken. Now let’s go inside and set the mood.

Coins, chords, and corduroys

I am a big fan of a two-tone brown and orange colour scheme. When I doll up a Ruiner in Grand Theft Auto 5, that’s always the slap I apply, and what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. If you can get those colours in corduroy wallpaper then all the better.

More importantly, right down either side of the entrance must go the heavy hitting Sega racing games. Power Drift, Daytona, Rally, Manx, Scud Race. It’s just good housekeeping. After that, I am happy to mix up genre and generations of machines across the retro arcade. The most pragmatic issue is just to keep the kids happy. Kids love the arcade and bring zest with them so rather than corralling them into a disused milking pen, I say let them mingle and have a soft play zone they can go to with an espresso to chill out.

Wives and partners will also need somewhere to go and question the nature of their relationships while doom-scrolling. Well, the bar has gin so consider that box ticked but we have more. Indeed we have only just begun to grab the idea by the joystick.

Wives and partners will also need somewhere to go and question the nature of their relationships while doom-scrolling.

Music. Do we want it on in the background and does it matter anyway if you are going to have a Daytona machine around? You can’t really compete with that but you could go the other way and keep some old ambient jazz playing. Not in competition but filling the corners. It would also compliment my design philosophy that no one should be out of reach of an ashtray at any time. I understand that’s not a done thing indoors these days, but again it fills the corners.

Dance Dance continuously

Filling most of it though will be as many sit-down cabinets as possible. I understand the broad age range that I am dealing with and sit down Virtua Fighter 3 always looked the business. It is going to be a fight game heavy lineup as well, with pickings from all sorts of trees.

In fact I would be a pretty liberal picker all round, but perhaps for one genre: rhythm action games.

What happened there? It looked like people were remunerating with a machine to receive epilepsy. I don’t understand it and I don’t need to see it, but I can intuit I would be required to supply them and so supply them I would. I’d put them out the back in the smoking shed though. They could use the exercise out there. I would leave a spit bucket.

Strike up the Zippo, strike a pose and then see how much dancing they can do before whatever happens happens.

Perhaps have some sort of occasional Iron (lung) Man Challenge where competitors must Dance Dance continuously while smoking tailor mades. I would allow menthols. Strike up the Zippo, strike a pose and then see how much dancing they can do before whatever happens happens.

Back inside there would be a few centre piece machines that I would have to have. Namco’s fantastical Prop Cycle would be one of those and Sega AM3’s Virtual On would be another. Both amazing experiences that were made for the experience of the arcade. They are like a fine marriage and peak examples of just how far removed from the home game the arcade could be. You could have a deeper game at home, but the experience of playing it, and the sense of participation was so much more with these coin-operated altars.

And those altars require space. You could start out with a barn conversion but, frankly, soon have the whole farm cluttered up with things like that Ridge Racer full rig machine or a phalanx of Super Thunder Blades. I love the smell of 3-Phase in the morning.

Retro arcade application granted

So that’s my idea, and one of my less selfish ones I think. I’m trying to make it work for everyone here. So, next time you’re stuck behind a Claas tractor and waiting for a half chance to burn some torque and get past, just hold up a second and wonder to yourself, does this farmer have a barn that is waiting to house the greatest rural Dirt Dash tournament for leagues in any cardinal direction?

I am just sowing seeds.